Inhibitions
I like sex, who doesn’t? And, as much as I would like to admit that I’m okay with it all, I’m not. My inhibitions are, I would imagine, fairly typical – not wanting to be naked in front of just anyone, worrying about how I look in certain positions, etc.
I have another inhibition though, one that might surprise you. I have this fear of masturbating while my BF (or anyone) watches. And I just don’t get it! One of my favorite fantasies while pleasuring myself is that someone is watching me. So why would I not want the real thing?
My BF has made it abundantly clear that he wants to watch me and that he finds me sexy, blah blah blah. Just the thought of getting frisky with myself while he watches causes me to get butterflies in my tummy and no, they aren’t the good kind. So, unbeknowst to him, I have done a little bit of experimenting on my own.
There have been a few times when I’m up late and he’s asleep. I just grab my quietest toy and go about getting it done quickly. Why would I do this? To get used to having an orgasm with him near me. Oh yes, you read that correctly – I’ve never come with him. Now, before you get all righteous, it’s ok. I’m not orgasm focused in my sex life – as long as things feel good and I enjoy it, I’m not going to stress out about some muscle contractions. My thinking is that if I can get used to getting off with him near me, it might be easier to have one while he watches (or while we have sex).
Where do inhibitions come from? I dunno. I’m not insecure about my body (not in any way beyond the usual “ugg, my belly isn’t flat”). For me, I think that my inhibition is born of my desire to remain in control at all times and to never appear vulnerable to a partner. What is more free of control and vulnerable than an orgasm?
Having said that, lol, I do want to get over whatever it is that is preventing me from doing this. The thought turns me on, its just the follow through that I’m not so sure about.
Updates as the occur.
